With the James Bond franchise in need of a new face, I humbly suggest a popular character from a ‘90s television show for consideration – Seinfeld.
Both Bond and Seinfeld enjoy fast cars, beautiful women, and fastidious grooming. Like Bond, Seinfeld has classic villains, catch-phrases and shameless product placements. And a one-time love interest of Seinfeld’s, Sidra Holland, would be a shoe-in for a Bond Girl.
So with apologies to both profitable, and hopefully non-litigious, properties, I present these parodic opening scenes of the 25th Bond film, titled:
Jerry Seinfeld …… James Bond
George Costanza ….. M
Elaine Benes …….. Eve Moneypenny
Cosmo Kramer …….. Q / Dr. Martin van Nostrand / H.E. Pennypacker
Newman ………….. Blofeld
Sidra Holland ……. Paris Carver
Donald Sanger ……. Bubble Boy
David Putty ……… Eight Ball
Babu Bhatt ………. MI6 Agent
J. Peterman …….. Himself
EXT. LONDON — EARLY EVENING
The Thames flows by notable city sites.
Drawn in closer to street level, we see ordinary traffic go by storefronts and pedestrians, till we come upon a parking structure.
INT. PARKING GARAGE
Camera is low. We see the feet and lower legs of a person’s shadow, and hear the person’s steady breathing, though muffled, perhaps through a mask. Cars can be heard heading down the ramp as the shadow climbs up.
Pull back gradually, showing more of the legs that bend flat on the concrete, as well as a wider view of the surrounding area. This worm’s eye view shows sneaker clad feet facing a wall in a dark corner. We hear urination, a zipper, then see the sneakers squeak away.
More of the shadow is revealed. Waist. Torso. Shoulders. As we reach a black Jaguar, the shadow’s head appears, but oddly shaped. It’s oblong and featureless.
Now near the Jaguar’s windshield, the person’s solid arm reaches out. The light-colored sleeve and thick glove join at a seal, calling to mind a spacesuit. The stiff fingers hold a card, of a kind for a board game. The hand places the card under the windshield wiper.
INT. PARKING GARAGE
Close up of a man holding a briefcase and wearing a belt-less trench coat. The man is stocky and balding. This is M.
M reaches the same black Jaguar. He presses his car fob. The car gives a beep as it unlocks. The man pats the briefcase with some affection, then tosses it onto the passenger seat as he sits in the driver’s.
M twirls the car keys around his finger. Then about to slot the key in the ignition, he notices the card left by the mysterious shadow.
M tries to reach his arm around to the outside of the windshield and get the card, but it’s not even close. With an annoyed huff, he hoists himself out of the car and snaps up the playing card from the windshield.
CUT TO BLACK
We hear a single gunshot. A glonk. A metallic squink. Then…
INT. RECEPTION OFFICE ADJOINING M’S OFFICE AT MI6 HQ
Following a perfunctory knock on the exterior door, BOND enters office.
MONEYPENNY holds up a finger acknowledging BOND and for him to wait.
Yes. Yes, Carol. Well, as I said, I have plans for the weekend.
MONEYPENNY holds the phone away from her. To BOND she gives a pained look before returning the phone to her ear.
I will try. All right. Goodbye.
(hangs up the phone)
You have plans? With who?
None of your business.
Who is he?
A horn beeps outside the exterior door BOND had entered. MONEYPENNY AND BOND each look to the other, questioning. Another beep, this one insistent.
BOND opens the door and barely gets out of the way of M who rides atop a mobility scooter.
M scoots across the office. There’s a small bandage over his forehead near his receding hairline. The cuff of his right pant leg is rolled up to the knee, revealing a temporary cast over his foot and lower leg.
What happened to you?
M thought someone—
That will do, Moneypenny.
… was shooting at him.
Who’s shooting at you?
It could happen. I heard what I had thought was a gunshot. So I ducked.
Not funny. I twisted my ankle, then fell over and hit my head on the open car door.
No one was shooting?
No. It was a car back-firing.
(irritated with the laughter)
All right! All right!
M scoots toward the door of his office. He appears to be waiting. He then beeps the horn of the scooter and looks pointedly at BOND.
BOND opens the door for M and follows him inside the office.
INT. M’S OFFICE
M scoots to his desk. He limps out of the scooter and into the velvet lined executive chair.
He slides a Manila folder across the desk toward BOND who takes his seat.
BOND opens the folder. Inside is the playing card left on the windshield of the Jaguar. It’s a Trivial Pursuit card. BOND lifts it out and reads what has been hand-written in black marker across the face that lists the questions: THINK ON YOUR SINS.
BOND turns the card over where the answers are. They are all blacked out except for one: MOOPS.
Someone must have singled out my car and placed that card on my windshield.
That’s what we know.
But we already know that.
Just give me some idea of who you think it could be.
I don’t know if you’re ready for it.
I believe that I am the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never–
Hold it, hold it! You’re right, I’m not ready for this.
You remember our unscheduled stop on our way to the cabin all those years ago.
(puts the card away)
How could I forget? You sent a sick boy to the hospital.
He started it.
In any case, that was a chapter in my life that I had thought I’d never read again. I want you to find this Bubble Boy and find out what he wants.
But why now? And how does a bubble boy get around a dirty, smoky, urine-stained parking garage to put that card on my windshield? I want answers, James.
(rises from his chair)
You can count on me.
INT. MI6 QUARTERMASTERS
BOND descends in an elevator. The doors open to reveal a warehouse-sized room with partitions and alcoves, all in chaos.
DARREN THE INTERN looks up from his clipboard and joins BOND as he exits the elevator.
DARREN THE INTERN
Mr. Bond, do you have an appointment with Q?
BOND looks past DARREN THE INTERN’s shoulder and sees Q in the distance, engrossed with a free-standing exterior door. Q scrutinizes the door, his nose almost touching it, then he jots some notes on a pad of paper.
DARREN THE INTERN
(touching the button on his ear phone)
Q, Mr. Bond is h—
Q is startled by DARREN THE INTERN’s voice in his ear and tumbles back into a table, knocking metal food service bins to the floor in a loud crash.
DARREN THE INTERN
Q will see you now. Follow me.
The two navigate past an aisle of shelving, an array of tables, men in white lab coats swirling about looking for something.
We hear the clucking of a chicken.
(Claps his hands together and rubs them, happy)
Q takes BOND and positions him on one side of the free-standing door.
I want you to see my latest invention.
You mean your shower drain garbage disposal?
(Q goes to the other side of the door)
Now, I want you to look through the peephole and tell me how many fingers I’m showing.
BOND peers through the hole.
Excellent. Now, you hold up any number of fingers.
(Comes around to give BOND an incredulous look)
Now, how are you going to hold up sixteen fingers?
You said any number.
(Q returns to his side of the door)
I have a number for you.
BOND holds up his hand, showing one finger.
I see one.
(Comes around to BOND’s side)
What works? The peephole?
A two-way peephole.
DARREN THE INTERN
(writing on the clipboard)
Who’s going to want a two-way peephole?
Who wouldn’t? I’m telling you James, I’m mossy. Got lots of ideas.
What do you have for me? I have a mission to get to.
Come this way.
Q leads BOND and DARREN THE INTERN to another area of the lab till they arrive at a workbench. Q directs BOND’s attention to a small hinged rectangular box there. He opens it and takes out a small silver pen.
BOND takes the pen.
It writes upside down.
Like the astronauts use?
(surprised, then deflated)
Q takes BOND by the arm, guiding it up and straight.
Now aim the pen and push these two buttons together.
BOND squeezes the twin buttons along the barrel of the pen, aiming the pen’s end at a shooting target. A spot on the paper target begins to smolder followed quickly by a spreading circle of flame.
A lab-coated technician grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the burning target.
Well that’s no good. The laser pointer shouldn’t set things on fire.
(to DARREN THE INTERN)
Make a note.
DARREN THE INTERN makes a note.
Discretely, BOND pockets the pen inside his suit jacket.
Q and DARREN THE INTERN move to another table where there’s another box.
BOND opens the box as before. Inside is a Pez candy dispenser with a Tweety Bird for a head.
Q gently takes the Pez candy dispenser.
It dispenses candy, BUT, it also
(his hands pull and push at the body of the dispenser)
becomes a tranquilizer gun.
Q hands BOND the dispenser gun. BOND fires it. A Pez candy lozenge hits DARREN THE INTERN.
DARREN THE INTERN
DARREN THE INTERN collapses to the floor, his clipboard sliding away.
The effect lasts for 20 minutes.
I think you have something there.